Choices

So, my dad called me this morning and asked that I would assist him with a talk he is giving at church on Sunday. A high councilman was supposed to be scheduled, but by some craziness, no one was scheduled. My dad, feeling that he didn't have time to call a ward member, decided he needed to speak and called for my thoughts on the topic: choice.

I will admit, once I heard the topic, I broke down just a little bit and started to cry. You see, choice is a very tender subject with me currently as I recently found out that someone whom I care about so very much has chosen to cut our relationship. It's hard when anyone tells you heartbreaking news, and I felt that I did pretty good on the day after, as my emotions were brought to the surface more because I realized I had no car and therefore could no longer go home to visit (due to an accident I got into just after leaving a friend's house)...missing my nephew's birthday celebration, and missing my opportunity to get a much needed father's blessing. As it is, all of those emotions unrelated to my car and visit situation and mostly related to the feeling of not being wanted were on the surface today. Anyway, that's a little more information than you probably needed to know. But, in some sense, you needed to know as it plays in intricate part into my current perspective of choice, of agency.

I started my little project for my dad by going to lds.org and researching "choice." I read many talks and articles on the topic and took some great notes that I had hoped to utilize. But after a while, I realized that he really did want my thoughts on the topic. He didn't want my researched and analyzed conclusions taken from other people's addresses to the general assembly of the Church. Now, my thoughts were stemmed both from the recent experiences in my own life, as well as the counsel from the general leaders of my church, The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints.

Doctrine and Covenants 98:8 states "I, the Lord God, make you free therefore you are free indeed and the law also maketh you free." Freedom, or freedom to choose, is a God-given privilege. One that we will have no matter what we do, no matter in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. In other words, we all have the right to choose. President David O. McKay has said "Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God's greatest gift to man."

As President Thomas S. Monson has reminded us, "some [choices] are trivial, some more far-reaching. Some will make no difference in the eternal scheme of things, and others will make all the difference."

With every right comes responsibility, and choice is no exception. We cannot be neutral; there is no middle ground. In fact, "when you have to make a choice and don't make it, that in and of itself is a choice" (William James). We all know that decisions are constantly before us. Just this morning I had to decide whether to use new or used parts on my car. To make those decisions wisely, courage is needed. We need the courage to say no, the courage to say yes. "Decisions do determine destiny" (Thomas S. Monson) We need then, the determination (and courage) to do what is right because it is right, even when it is hard.

I came across the For The Strength Of Youth pamphlet and read under the title Agency & Accountability: "You are a child of God with great strength. You have the ability to choose righteousness and happiness, no matter what your circumstances."

Now, when I read that, it hit me hard. I am a child of God. I am His daughter. And I have great strength. I have very recently felt His strong and loving arms around me. A few nights ago, after hearing some terrible news, I thought it would be another night of crying myself to sleep with the only difference being that this time I knew what had happened. After saying my prayers (a choice I could not give up because that is the only means I have to speak with my Heavenly and Eternal Father, much like the cell phone is the only means I have to speak with my earthly father), I was still crying. The pain and heartache didn't go away immediately. But in those few moments just after laying down my head and just before falling asleep, there was such peace that came over me which otherwise would not have come had I not chosen to talk to my Father and call on the power of the Atonement to give me comfort.

When I woke up the next morning, it was almost like Heavenly Father had been sitting with me all night, like a parent who would stay stroking the head of their dearly beloved child during a night of sickness or heartache. That peace was still with me although the circumstances hadn't changed. I decided I needed to fast, after all, I knew I wouldn't be able to eat. I couldn't even take more that just a couple of swallows of my hot chocolate the night before, and if anyone knows me, you know that hot chocolate is probably the my most favorite thing in the world and it doesn't last long when I'm around!

I decided to fast, and that made all the difference that next day. The fast I had intended was not the fast that I had offered. I intended to seek comfort and strength and understanding for myself to help me get through this struggle in my life. But when I offered my prayer in the morning, that was not the words or intentions that came out. I chose to let the Spirit guide me. I chose to look outside of myself.

The next point from For The Strength Of Youth: I have the ability to choose righteousness and happiness, no matter what your circumstances. Choosing righteousness does not always bring happiness in and of itself. Just look at the pioneers. They chose to follow God and do their best to live His commandments. What did they get? Persecution, death, frozen hands and feet, swamplands to build, and so many other disheartening things. But what did they choose? "Come, come ye saints. No toil nor labor fear. But with joy wend your way." On the flip side, how many people do you know who seem to have everything? A good home, a great job, money in savings, the ideal image, and yet they do not act or look happy? There are many, many people who fit that description. You can choose to be happy even in the most dire of circumstances.

I got an email from an old college friend this morning who wanted to offer me comfort from my recent happenings. She stated that she was sorry for what had happened but hope that I found great comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing and I have every reason to look forward to what He has planned for me. Then she remarked on how I was always the optimistic one. Although I didn't feel very optimistic in this situation, I found great comfort in her words. I usually was the optimistic one and I don't completely see why, in this situation, I shouldn't choose to be optimistic. Life is hard. It always will be hard. But we have the choice of whether we will let life beat us down because of the choices we made, or the choices others have made that affected us either a little or significantly or whether we will look for that silver lining in the clouds and find happiness (most often found in the little things). We choose to let 'come what may, and love it.' For it is through the little choices we make each day, the choice of whether to kiss our wife good morning, or say thank you to the man who holds the door open for us, or help our children with homework (or our parents with chores); the choice to open our scriptures and read them to learn of our Lord and Savior and how to become more like Him, or to get down on our knees and offer a prayer of thanks for keeping us safe in our home or the food which we have in order to open the communication from us to our Heavenly Father that we will find the greatest happiness.

There is one thing that we do not choose, and that is to have a relationship with our Lord. However, the strength and depth of that relationship is self-determined. I chose to be a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints, and thereby chose to live the gospel of Jesus Christ no matter in which circumstances I find myself, no matter what time or day of the year.

I came across one admonition today from Bishop Richard C. Edgley that has helped me much this afternoon as I have had a near breakdown once again. "Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism."

So, when you have a choice that seems difficult (and I'm not talking about which color shirt to wear), then it really comes down to whether you will choose to have faith. Faith that things will work out, faith in yourself and those around you, faith that the Atonement really does apply to you and will cover not only your sins but your heartaches and sicknesses and everything else that can cause you pain (it really does, you know!), even when you make a poor decision. Don't get me wrong, I know that sometimes faith will falter. That is when we need to get on our knees and ask for strength to endure. I refuse believe that it is wrong to pray for faith, but again, we even have to choose to do that.