I stopped by a friend's house last night to catch the last few minutes of Jimmer Fredette's college career in basketball (although I am definitely not a BYU fan most of the time, I was hoping they would go farther in the NCAA). It was while talking with this friend that I vocalized what I had been in the process of realizing over the course of the last nine months: take one day at a time.
This is something that we should all remember to do, but often forget anyway. In this conversation, of course, I was referring to dating. He's 'feeling his age' (although he really isn't THAT old) and very much wants to settle down and have a family, much like so many others in our social realm. As we are practically like family, I gave him a bit of advice, while at the same time hoping that this will somehow seep into the lives of a few others that I know even though they were not around to hear it. I told him that when he starts dating someone, and things get serious, just take it one day at a time (which really you should do from the beginning). Fears and doubts will inevitably come, both to the guy and the girl. Neither will probably talk about them, hopefully they do but they most likely won't. When you start focusing on the distant future and eternity, you're fears will increase and you start to really look for things that are wrong; you start looking for 'deal-breakers.'
It is day by day that you grow closer together, day by day that you decide 'yeah, I think I do want to spend some time with you.' Take it one day at a time and you will find that the hard work required in relationships will not seem so overwhelming. One day you will realize that she (or he) is someone you want to be around more than just a few hours every couple of days. That you like having her around and don't really want that to change. And you keep moving forward, hopefully together. Communicating with each other, learning from each other, sharing experiences together, laughing and crying together.
Not right away probably, or even after just a couple of months, but at some point you will realize that yes, this is someone with whom you could spend the rest of forever, and perhaps you even want to. It doesn't really matter how long it takes, not to those who matter at least. That is when things might start to get exciting, might start to feel exciting, but you will feel peace whether that excitement is there or not, as long as you keep those fears and doubts at bay by faith - faith in Christ, faith in yourself and the one you are dating, faith in your relationship.
I promised to tell you about my recent-ish adventures, and now I shall fulfill that promise.
After some not-so-pleasant experiences in January (I swear, that month hates me every year!), my birthday came around in February. Close to last minute, I decided to run away to San Fransisco for my birthday weekend. I had told my roommate, and one or two other people on a need to know basis, and took off. I had an absolute blast! My ex-roommate, whom I was visiting out in California, made sure that weekend was packed full of fun! We went to Ghirardelli Square where she treated me to birthday ice cream, which was rather yummy :) We also went to Pier 39, Fisherman's Wharf, beaches, saw Alcatraz, and finally made it back home again where I was able to rest my exhausted legs. We stopped to watch a magic show and take a lot of pictures throughout the day.
The second day, after an eye opening experience at church (which I will tell you about if you ask), my ex-roommate and a new friend Farrah took me to see the Golden Gate Bridge. That is an amazing structure if you really think about it. I can see why people from that part of the country are so proud of it. That same evening, several of my host's friends came over for an ultimate frisbee dinner, which she had turned in to a 'let's celebrate Emma' dinner :) She's so silly. The host made the cake, and her roommate decorated it. They both did very well (despite what they may say). They even got my friend Braden to surprise me!! It was a perfect way to spend my birthday. Then, sadly, I had to leave and come back home. Don't think I wasn't strongly tempted to just stay out there and have my things sent to me...
A week or two later, an old college friend and her husband took me to go shooting! I already mentioned in a previous post how well the shooting went! While waiting for a lane, I got to talk to the workers a bit. Turns out one of them used to be an active member of my church but doesn't really want to live a lot of the standards we have or even just go to church. He recognized my BYU shirt and came up to give me a hard time about it. Sometimes it's funny how things can be turned around in to missionary opportunities. I look forward to more shooting range trips (and more possible missionary opportunities)!!
Hmmm....what happened next?
Oh, that's right! Two of my roommates and I went on an excursion to the Spy Museum! I don't have any pictures from there because, well, they don't let you take any. It was fun though. One of my roommates had family come join us, which made it all the more enjoyable! My other roommate and I had been before, but the rest of us were there for the first time. I got a free key chain, which was exciting, and I successfully passed the spy game! Not that many people who know me are all that surprised, but still, it's happy.
Last weekend, I went on another adventure traversing through the Shenandoah Mountains. A group of us went on a hike, where a few of us broke off for a bit from the trail and found the drop off point of the waterfall we were hoping to find! I had planned on not going on this trip actually, seeing as Joe was going on the hike and my heart still hurts quite a bit and it's likely that his does as well. But about an hour before the hike, after walking outside and feeling how beautiful a day it was, I showered, dressed, and hopped in my car to meet up with the group. Best decision I could have made that day. After the hike, we stopped on the way home to get some ice cream at the best little ice cream shop in that town. You should always end a hike with ice cream. I am really glad I went. I got to know several friends better, spend time in the great outdoors, conquer some fears, work some muscles, feel the love of my Heavenly Father, and see a little bit of improvement in one of my current situations. It was a wonderful day.
My life really is fairy tale, despite what my mother might say. Every fairy tale has rough times, but there are also those golden moments filled with friendship.
(Curtis is missing from the picture, but he was totally there! He was just the one taking the picture)
The song "Amazing Grace" always seems to touch my heart each time I hear it. So when my friend, Paul, broke down the song and found a scripture for each line, I couldn't help but share it.
So, I carpool with one of my roommates to work every day, which gives us a lot of opportunity to chat should we desire to do so. On the way home the other day, we were talking about work and how she was feeling about school and how I was feeling about...other things. Somehow, the conversation turned to friendships and single's wards. In the midst of the conversation, we decided it was one we really should share with Sister Larsen. She has a wealth of knowledge and good advice and has this way of teaching us without us realizing it sometimes. Plus, she's an amazing woman.
Well, the opportunity came last night. I had gotten to institute early to practice with the choir and so had a few minutes to chat with Sister Larsen after choir but before class actually got started. We couldn't go very deep into the conversation because, well, class was going to start soon and my roommate would have killed me for having that conversation without her there! The two institute classes were combined, so we all studied from James Talmage's Jesus The Christ, focusing on "those things which proceed out of the mouth [which] defileth a man." I was sufficiently humbled as I listened to the discussion and reflected on those things I had said (and the way I had said them) and done, particularly over the last two months.
After institute my roommate, Sister Larsen and I sat down together and had our own little discussion.
The whole thing started when I was talking to a guy friend of mine in the ward who was frustrated with the whole single's ward scene. Granted, it's really annoying and I hate the stupid games. He was venting to me a bit because he was feeling antisocial, and he really did not like the 'social' people much just then. He was venting a bit because his roommates feel the need to go to every event anyone is putting on and be social, but they neglect the opportunities to sit down and get to know someone more one on one, and we are not necessarily talking about dating right now. On top of that, a good majority of the ward feel that a guy and a girl cannot be good friends unless they are dating or intend to date. But of course we are in a single's ward where we're only looking for an eternal companion...who needs friends, right? I hope you sense sarcasm when you read that last sentence because that is the stupidest thinking. No one has enough friends. But nearly every conversation I have at church feels very surface level and superficial, so none of us really feel like we have good friends. Well, most of us feel that way at least. I don't really consider someone just talking to me when they see me at church a friend; they are more of an acquaintance.
My roommate made a very keen observation though; We are all in the single's ward still (where the average age is about 27) because each one of us, to some degree, has a fear of commitment and even to be willing to truly be a friend and get past the superficial requires commitment. When you commit to someone on any level, you make yourself vulnerable and no one wants to feel vulnerable. (Kind of reminds me of the 'Love's Lesson: Irony' conversation I had...interesting.) This observation of my roommate's is precisely what we wanted to talk with Sister Larsen about. But when asked by the Joe's after institute what we were going to talk about with her, we couldn't very well say 'commitment.' It would have made things REALLY awkward for all individuals present.
Then the three of us (myself, my roommate, and Sister Larsen) all pulled up a chair and talked. We talked of how accurate that observation really was, and how that affects dating (you can't have a successful relationship without a friendship as it's base). We actually talked very little about dating, and kept the focus mostly on friendship and how when you get past the commitment fear and let your walls down so that you can have a close friendship, that is when you start to really care about those around you and you have a Zion society.
So, I've decided to try and change and make good friends. Perhaps it will spread, perhaps not. But I will not be one who doesn't make an effort. I will not be one of those that can't be good friends with someone just because I'm not interested in dating them. I will be one who can create opportunity to truly get to know someone and maybe make a friend or two out of it. I can't control what anyone else will do, I've learned that finally. And it may still hurt but the worst anyone can do is say 'no, I don't want that.'
In order to go out and accomplish this new mission of mine, I realize that I need to be more like the girl I was. So, I have made a resolution to not only make new and lasting friendships, but to again be one who seeks for the silver lining in each situation, to find the good. I am done complaining and venting and whatever else. It just brings me further down and makes everyone around me not as happy either. "Our words and external expressions...reflect both who we are and shape who we are becoming" (Robert S. Wood). I want to become better.
I have had some fun adventures as of late. I ran away to San Fransisco for my birthday, which I will have to tell you all about later (you might have to remind me). I will say this much about it though, I loved going and seeing my old roommate and celebrating with her! I had a blast :) And it's good to be missed sometimes.
Last weekend I went shooting, because you know a birthday isn't really just one day. You should celebrate for the entire month! It's been about 3 years since I've been shooting. An old classmate (and dear friend) of mine took me to a local shooting range to celebrate both of our birthdays; her birthday was about a week and a half before my own. I didn't miss the picture target completely in the beginning, but I definitely wasn't doing well either! By the time our last target was up though, I was shooting 10's (which was the best on that particular target). I really should go more often.
Last night, I joined one of my roommates at a house concert for Ian Axel. I decided like his music. He's a bit quirky, which makes it much more fun to see him live. All around, it was a fun night with soup and fortune cookies (who knew that you could have a blueberry flavored fortune cookie?!) and friends and no pressure. I loved it.
You know how music just strikes a chord with you sometimes? And I really didn't intend to make a pun. You do know what I'm talking about right? We all know that different music affects us in different ways. And sometimes, a song says exactly what you've been thinking or feeling and when you can't quite explain what you're going through you can just say "It's like that song we heard that goes like..." (or you just break out singing like I sometimes do). Well, the music Ian and his friends Chad and Mike performed was like that for me a little bit.
There's been a lot of things in my life recently that has caused me to be emotional. Not that all of those things, taken one at a time, would have that result but when they are all happening at the same time....it makes me probably more emotional than just one of them would. There is, however, only one that people know about and that is Joe. Just my luck to find someone who I believe (and until that fateful night he had me and everyone else think he believed) was so compatible with me, perfect for me as some have said, and he not be ready and/or willing to keep going in our relationship. So he broke my heart...well, beat it up pretty bad at least.
I'm finally at the point where I can let him go, let the relationship go. I've tried to start when it happened and tried so hard to be strong, but I failed miserably. And I'm sure it will take some time to be able to say 'yes, I'm completely done.' But one day at a time. It's a battle of sorts. And a song I heard last night beautifully portrayed that struggle...
There is a girl who has been trying to get me and this other guy (who's practically my brother) to date arguing that we are 'perfect for each other and there is no better match' when in reality we should not ever date (not that he's not an awesome guy...we'd just kill each other!) It's almost as though she sees me as being competition. Here's the thing though: It's only been less than 2 months since I got out of a relationship with a guy to whom I gave my heart. And although I am trying to 'get out there' and move forward and move on, a heart doesn't recover so quickly. There are some wonderful guys that I know, some handsome guys that I know. But they do have a high standard now to meet, set first by Brandon (a guy from college) and now by Joe (who made me feel like I was amazing and beautiful and wonderful, and didn't just tell me that). But he's seemingly already moved on. And the more I learn about this new girl he is interested in, the more similarities I find between her and me. It's quite weird actually. And it sometimes makes it hurt all over again.
Joe has his own decisions to make. A small part of me says to him 'yes Joe, go for [not going say] and then you might just see what you walked away from.' But the more part of me truly wants him to be happy. I've always wanted him to be happy. And I do miss him, mostly because he will sometimes come up to me like we're friends and the other times he will avoid me as though I had the plague and he would get it just by looking at me. When he does that, I get so frustrated!! Most people don't realize that, because I still try to be strong. But my roommates certainly do! I want him to be a part of my life because I want the thing I miss the most, his friendship. With his friendship came his goodness and being able to just talk to him and have a real conversation. And I still defend him, probably always will. He is still a good man, one of the most amazing men I know, but I do deserve better. Which brings me to another point: what I learned.
I learned something through this whole thing. I learned that the man I deserve doesn't exist. You may be laughing, or trying to say to me 'whatever, he does exist, you just haven't found him yet (or he hasn't found you).' But that is not true. The man I deserve doesn't exist. That is what a relationship is for. When you have someone you care about and you want things to work between the two of you, you see what they deserve and work to become that person. Currently, there is no man who knows me well enough to truly know what I deserve and is willing to work with me (not on their own but with me) to become that man I deserve. Therefore, he does not exist. He will one day though.
As I said before, there are other things that have caused emotions to surface (but you're not going to hear about them), and most of the time I do not cry over the Joe situation anymore. Been there, done that. Although, admittedly, I do still get sad sometimes at night when I can't sleep and feel the loneliness and heartache and sense of betrayal and break of trust. But when those feelings come, I get down on my knees and pray really hard until peace and comfort and love replace those negative feelings. That is the only way I can move forward. It's at those times that I imagine Heavenly Father sitting me down and telling me, "You'll be okay. I'm here."
For my birthday weekend, I ran away to San Fransisco. I met a man while I was there, one who is attractive, young, and engaged, and fell easily in to conversation with him. Not really that hard to do since I'm usually a friendly and outgoing person (or at least outgoing enough to meet new people) and he is the same. Plus, there was only a small number of us at the dinner where I had met him. What is the point of me telling you of this man that I met? He had said something that made sense even then, but I have still been thinking often of it. We'll call this man that I met by his name, Nate.
There is a second man in my story, whom I met at the same time. We'll call him Steve. The three of us were talking, with a few others listening and agreeing at various points of our conversation, about relationships. We came to the conclusion that there are relationships that I am sure each of us have been in that, when they ended, we were relieved to be out of them. Notice I did not necessarily say happy (although there may be some of those too!), but relieved, like a burden had been lifted from our shoulders. And there are other relationships that once they ended we were truly heartbroken.
It was towards the end of this conversation when Nate had spoken those several sentences that have held my thoughts even a few days after leaving San Fransisco. He explained the irony about relationships. Here is what he had said: You want to enter a relationship with these walls you have built up, protecting yourself and your heart from pain. (And the more relationships you have had, the higher and thicker those walls tend to be.) But in order for a relationship to really work, you have to give your whole heart, despite the risks. If you don't, you will never have a relationship that works. It's when we feel completely vulnerable, when those walls and those guards are down, that we will find strength in our relationship. But both parties need to do that; both need to allow themselves to be vulnerable and give to the other whole heartedly. Yes, that does mean that should the relationship end it will be heart breaking; however, it is also the only way you will really find a relationship that does work out the way each of us want. Ironic, isn't it?
